Wednesday, June 16, 2010
CLEAN SHEETS ON THE BED
Simply typing the title of todays blog entry makes me want to inhale deeply, drawing in the fresh cotton scent of clean sheets that were just placed on the bed. There is something so inviting about them that simply calls to me. Pulling them out of the dryer begins the temptation to wrap myself inside. I've gone through this process thousands of times before and my reaction is always the same. I rush to the bed while the sheets are still warm and place the fitted sheet ever so quickly on the waiting bare mattress. With the same pace I place the flat sheet on top, careful to fold about 6 inches of the top down (I don't know what, it just matters that I do this) and then run my hand down the edge of the bed from top to bottom, feeling the heat from the dryer's exit escape through my fingertips. If I do this as rapidly as possible, I litterally feel the temperature of the sheets change beneath my hand. I love this feeling. I'm not sure I have described the pleasure it gives me well enough. I tuck the sheets in, using hospital corners if at all possible. With the mattresses of today getting thicker, or deeper as the industry calls it, the old sheets I have become accustomed to simply don't have enough excess to wrap under between the mattress and box springs like I would prefer. I make do, carefully putting the top sheet in place, checking all areas to make certain it is just so. And then it happens. Inhale. Breathing deeply inward I smell the freshness the clean sheets give off. They are beckoning to me, I hear them. They say, "Come, lay down, get comfortable, you have earned this moment!" There is something else speaking to me though. I hear another message in my head that says, "Don't mess those clean sheets up. Once you have used them, they are no longer clean, but are rather soiled." I fight this inner beast inside of me. Do I sit, lay down or stand reverantly? I'm so torn. The decision is made instantly. In the blink of an eye, the dillema is solved. In one quick leap, Shotzee lays downs, breaths in so deep that one might actually see the outline of his ribcage and then he closes his eyes and sleeps ever so peacefully on the once clean sheets on the bed. (Note to self: Add Tide to the grocery list. There will be sheets to be washed very soon.)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
WHAT'S IN YOUR BACKPACK?
A friend sent me a facebook message that she was feeling very heavy and added that she felt her burdens were too much for anyone else to even carry along side her. She was feeling pretty low, huh? It got me to thinking, selfishly I hate to confess. I feel exactly like she sometimes, but I am learning a hard lesson along the "weighty" road.
I'm not very wise when it comes to interpreting scripture or actual theology, but what I see in my mind's eye tonight is me carrying a backpack of hopes and dreams and every so often when I hold them too close or covet them, and do not offer them up to God or I begin to believe more in the contents of my backpack than in God's plan and will for my life, I believe satan sneaks in, takes out a hope or a dream and puts in a heavy rock to burden me with - heaviness abounds. He sneaks in again and repeats the process when I'm not watching and waiting in prayer. Over and over this process happens. If I'm not careful the cunninng evil one eventually causes the load to be heavier than I can carry and as time has passed, I haven't noticed that it until it is overwhelming. I have to start emptying out the backpack, one by one, laying the stones at the Cross and asking God to fill me back up with His spirit, remind me of my calling and purpose, His will for my life, restore and renew my hopes and dreams and replace that empty backpack with all that He wants me to have, one by one. When I fill it up with what God wants me to, the backpack is so light and easy to carry, but what I don't see from my view is that the backpack is over loaded, busting at the seams and that God is helping me carry it with his hand underneath it and me as we walk along. With my strength renewed at the Cross, I find my walk easier, better, more joyful and oh so worth it. Simply going back to the cross, emptying out the junk and letting the Holy Spirit give me a refill makes all the difference.
Heaviness is never too much for God to help with and I want to be a Christian friend that helps others shoulder their burdens through prayer and fasting. I have also found that when I focus on someone else, my issues often times fade away. Perhaps they were not as big as I thought, they were resolved without my constant guidance or God simply whisked them away in his divine providence.
My backpack has been heavy, but right now, I'm emptying it out, placing my burdens down one by one, praying as I go. Oh what a pile of rocks I have.
In the old testament, a pile of rocks ofen signified where a battle had taken place. Believe me, the battle is raging. As my Dad would say, read the last chapter of the book (The Bible), see who wins. Perhaps our backpack is actually a piece of armour in disguise and once it is emptied, we are to use it as our shield or breastplate? Hmmm...he equips us for the battle! He makes a memorial from the stones to remind us of where we've been in battle!
I think I have some more emptying out of my backpack to do. It's lighter, much lighter actually, but there's more for me to do. What's in your backpack?
I'm not very wise when it comes to interpreting scripture or actual theology, but what I see in my mind's eye tonight is me carrying a backpack of hopes and dreams and every so often when I hold them too close or covet them, and do not offer them up to God or I begin to believe more in the contents of my backpack than in God's plan and will for my life, I believe satan sneaks in, takes out a hope or a dream and puts in a heavy rock to burden me with - heaviness abounds. He sneaks in again and repeats the process when I'm not watching and waiting in prayer. Over and over this process happens. If I'm not careful the cunninng evil one eventually causes the load to be heavier than I can carry and as time has passed, I haven't noticed that it until it is overwhelming. I have to start emptying out the backpack, one by one, laying the stones at the Cross and asking God to fill me back up with His spirit, remind me of my calling and purpose, His will for my life, restore and renew my hopes and dreams and replace that empty backpack with all that He wants me to have, one by one. When I fill it up with what God wants me to, the backpack is so light and easy to carry, but what I don't see from my view is that the backpack is over loaded, busting at the seams and that God is helping me carry it with his hand underneath it and me as we walk along. With my strength renewed at the Cross, I find my walk easier, better, more joyful and oh so worth it. Simply going back to the cross, emptying out the junk and letting the Holy Spirit give me a refill makes all the difference.
Heaviness is never too much for God to help with and I want to be a Christian friend that helps others shoulder their burdens through prayer and fasting. I have also found that when I focus on someone else, my issues often times fade away. Perhaps they were not as big as I thought, they were resolved without my constant guidance or God simply whisked them away in his divine providence.
My backpack has been heavy, but right now, I'm emptying it out, placing my burdens down one by one, praying as I go. Oh what a pile of rocks I have.
In the old testament, a pile of rocks ofen signified where a battle had taken place. Believe me, the battle is raging. As my Dad would say, read the last chapter of the book (The Bible), see who wins. Perhaps our backpack is actually a piece of armour in disguise and once it is emptied, we are to use it as our shield or breastplate? Hmmm...he equips us for the battle! He makes a memorial from the stones to remind us of where we've been in battle!
I think I have some more emptying out of my backpack to do. It's lighter, much lighter actually, but there's more for me to do. What's in your backpack?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Derby Days, Hats, Wal-Mart and Old Friends, Oh My!
I have to admit, living with my parents has been interesting. Yes, I'm being cautious with my words in case they read this! Their love and support, not to mention hot meals and clean sheets to sleep on, have been great. I have been blessed and God has provided during my time of need. This has not been a time of lack as one might think. I have gotten to know my parents in a different way in the past few months. I listen more intently when Mother begins to tell a story of her childhood. She recalls the times of long ago fairly well, but knowing what took place this morning is becoming more and more difficult for her. I have asked questions about my parents dates, dances they attended and movies they watched over fifty years ago. I've seen them struggle the past few months with chronic illness that has stolen their energy. I'm glad I'm here, no matter how difficult it is to be the 47 year old jobless, homeless, vehicle-less convicted felon daughter. I see lemons turning into lemonade though! My temporary stay here is going from sour to sweet with each passing day I get to spend with my elderly parents.
It is unfathomable to think that just a year ago, I was so happy driving a car of my own(well, bank owned in all reality-huge monthly payments), living in a very nice house in a town I loved with a job that afforded me shiny objects. I like shiny objects, new things, the latest gadgets, tools for the kitchen etc. I went on vacations, attended college football games and purchased unnecessary necessities. Wal Mart trips were enjoyable, no-sweat activities. Go in, get what you want and leave with a basket full. I never asked where the next meal was coming from. There was always plenty. My job was a real blessing. Meeting monthly obligations was not a problem, it seemed. I am not bragging, just stating where I have been versus where I am now.
I loved the people I worked with too. I was fortunate to travel out of state, particular to Kentucky, Indiana and Texas. And yes, there was a feeling of prestige on my part for being able to fly here and there. I felt as important as the business man traveling next to me. Of course, he wasn't too happy sitting next to a large person. There were times people were rude about it too. I sat for hours in airports watching the jet-setting crowd. They were a definite mixture of personalities and each had a different idea of what "style" was in the clothing department. All races, upper income and lower were flying somewhere. I wondered where they were going? Often families were quite obvious about where they had been with their Mickey Mouse ears perched on each toddlers head as if they were crowned in a knight ceremony that very day. "I dub you Mickey and Minney's friend forever..do not remove the black plastic hat or you will succumb to an evil spell!" Adults and children alike complied, wearing the silly looking ears the entire trip home! I might have been a bit jealous, you think?
The onslaught of senior citizens traveling to see their grandchildren in far off places struck me as possibly sad and happy events all rolled up, tucked in a suitcase with walker, cane or wheelchair in tow. I was happy they had these seemingly pleasant events to look forward to, seeing their loved ones for a special occasion. But, it appeared to be very difficult for some of these people to function in this technologically advanced environment. Most appeared as if the "One Minute Plus" button on their home microwave was as far as they had ever gotten with today's bells and whistles. The boarding process was very simple in my mind with the carrier I was using, however for these same passengers, it was too much. I was relieved to see blue plastic pouches hanging from a leather strap around their necks. This pouch indicated they were eligible for pre-boarding. The gate attendant would escort them personally down the ramp to the waiting plane. This was not a simple courtesy by he airlines, rather it was a method to keep from delaying the boarding process with those that would be moving slow. Believe it or not, the blue pouch was envied by many, me included. I actually tried to get a blue pouch once. I didn't not get it. I was not feeling well and wanted off the plane as soon as it landed. I predetermined in my head that if I was first on the plane by using the blue pouch, I could get a bulkhead or front row seat. This would assure that upon arrival to my final destination, as soon as the plane came to a complete stop at the gate, I would unbuckle my safety belt and dash on out. Unfortunately, the gate attendant at this particular airport did not feel it necessary to attend to my needs in this manner. She simply looked at my ticket, asked me if I thought I should delay my trip since I wasn't feeling well and then directed me with a gentle hand gesture in the air to the seat by the window that was now vacant noting the near proximity to the restroom all with a gentle, yet demanding whisper. I felt defeated, but it all worked out just as she said it would and I was fine. Memories are made of moments like this!
I met some wonderful people in Kentucky and fell in love with the community they offered me. I was in Louisville at the time of the 2009 Derby Week. The festival is huge with many venues to pick from. I love crowds of people having fun so his was right up my alley! I flew back home on the Thursday before the actual Derby Horse Race on Saturday. I am not a horse racing fan, but the electricity in the air caused you to be suddenly interested. The colors of green grass and white pillars from Churchill Downs were posted on every street corner, constantly streamed over the television airwaves and the talk all week was of nothing other than Derby related items. I took notice instantly of the hat vendors that sold what once were plain straw hats, now layered with silk flowers and huge bows in hopes that the one wearing it would stand out in the massive crowd during the Run for the Roses. Celebrities were flying in from all over the world for this two minute race. I sincerely doubt if most were interested in anything other than the social status that being there brought them. As I passed through the airport to board my flight home, I saw swinging hat boxes hanging off the wrists of beautiful women. The boxes were absolutely gorgeous in and of themselves. I could not imagine the prize inside could be any more stunning than the box itself. The couture knew exactly what he was doing because the package created a desire to own the box, hold the box, see what was inside the box and if lucky enough, wear the creation upon your head watching chins drop as you strolled through the crowded area on race day! The images of wearing one of those hats were in my mind as I raced toward the "Now Boarding for Tulsa sign that had recently been illuminated.
When my assignment to Kentucky and Indiana ended, I was definitely sad. I had extended family there it seemed. I made life-long friends there. More than that, I learned many lessons there too. One of my co-workers was Tiffany. She was a single mother of 4 living on a $7.50 an hour job and happy every single day. She would laugh with while telling me of her middle son's shenanigans of the day before. She had a laugh that I will never forget, not for its distinct tone, but for the fact that it was contagious! She would start laughing and telling a story and before long, people were gathered around her, chuckling, belly laughing and even an occasional snort would come out of those listening intently to Tiffany talk on and on. Tiffany would also share her dreams of someday being the first one in her family to attend and graduate college. She called it "university" most of the time. She would say, "Deb, I'm gonna make my momma proud when I go to university!" I believed here then and I believer her now. It may take her a while, but I certainly can see her walking across that stage, unable to contain her giggles, smiling her pretty white smile, a stark contrast to her very dark African-American skin, and receiving a diploma that, for her, feels like a one way ticket out of poverty. I want to work with Tiffany again. I want to associate with here forever. I call her once in a while. She laughs, calls me by name before I even announce who I am and then we pick up right where we left off. She tells me about her kids latest accomplishment or what her Mam-maw fixed for Sunday dinner and we let time run away. Mam-maw (the term of endearment she calls here Grandmother) liked to fix very traditional southern cuisine. I would wince at some of the menu items and Tiffany would...you guessed it...laugh.
When I returned home for the final time, my perspective changed somewhat. I no longer had as strong of pull to flashy items. My focus changed to wanting to spend time with my Meme (the term of endearment the grandkids use for my mother) and less time in Wal Mart stocking up on unnecessary necessities.
I'm spending time with my parents for sure now and it is working out fine. No car, no job, no money, but I am blessed beyond belief. Tiffany taught me that! I can't wait to see her again. I hope she wears a big hat with bright pink flowers, but all she will have to do is laugh and I will know it is my old friend!
It is unfathomable to think that just a year ago, I was so happy driving a car of my own(well, bank owned in all reality-huge monthly payments), living in a very nice house in a town I loved with a job that afforded me shiny objects. I like shiny objects, new things, the latest gadgets, tools for the kitchen etc. I went on vacations, attended college football games and purchased unnecessary necessities. Wal Mart trips were enjoyable, no-sweat activities. Go in, get what you want and leave with a basket full. I never asked where the next meal was coming from. There was always plenty. My job was a real blessing. Meeting monthly obligations was not a problem, it seemed. I am not bragging, just stating where I have been versus where I am now.
I loved the people I worked with too. I was fortunate to travel out of state, particular to Kentucky, Indiana and Texas. And yes, there was a feeling of prestige on my part for being able to fly here and there. I felt as important as the business man traveling next to me. Of course, he wasn't too happy sitting next to a large person. There were times people were rude about it too. I sat for hours in airports watching the jet-setting crowd. They were a definite mixture of personalities and each had a different idea of what "style" was in the clothing department. All races, upper income and lower were flying somewhere. I wondered where they were going? Often families were quite obvious about where they had been with their Mickey Mouse ears perched on each toddlers head as if they were crowned in a knight ceremony that very day. "I dub you Mickey and Minney's friend forever..do not remove the black plastic hat or you will succumb to an evil spell!" Adults and children alike complied, wearing the silly looking ears the entire trip home! I might have been a bit jealous, you think?
The onslaught of senior citizens traveling to see their grandchildren in far off places struck me as possibly sad and happy events all rolled up, tucked in a suitcase with walker, cane or wheelchair in tow. I was happy they had these seemingly pleasant events to look forward to, seeing their loved ones for a special occasion. But, it appeared to be very difficult for some of these people to function in this technologically advanced environment. Most appeared as if the "One Minute Plus" button on their home microwave was as far as they had ever gotten with today's bells and whistles. The boarding process was very simple in my mind with the carrier I was using, however for these same passengers, it was too much. I was relieved to see blue plastic pouches hanging from a leather strap around their necks. This pouch indicated they were eligible for pre-boarding. The gate attendant would escort them personally down the ramp to the waiting plane. This was not a simple courtesy by he airlines, rather it was a method to keep from delaying the boarding process with those that would be moving slow. Believe it or not, the blue pouch was envied by many, me included. I actually tried to get a blue pouch once. I didn't not get it. I was not feeling well and wanted off the plane as soon as it landed. I predetermined in my head that if I was first on the plane by using the blue pouch, I could get a bulkhead or front row seat. This would assure that upon arrival to my final destination, as soon as the plane came to a complete stop at the gate, I would unbuckle my safety belt and dash on out. Unfortunately, the gate attendant at this particular airport did not feel it necessary to attend to my needs in this manner. She simply looked at my ticket, asked me if I thought I should delay my trip since I wasn't feeling well and then directed me with a gentle hand gesture in the air to the seat by the window that was now vacant noting the near proximity to the restroom all with a gentle, yet demanding whisper. I felt defeated, but it all worked out just as she said it would and I was fine. Memories are made of moments like this!
I met some wonderful people in Kentucky and fell in love with the community they offered me. I was in Louisville at the time of the 2009 Derby Week. The festival is huge with many venues to pick from. I love crowds of people having fun so his was right up my alley! I flew back home on the Thursday before the actual Derby Horse Race on Saturday. I am not a horse racing fan, but the electricity in the air caused you to be suddenly interested. The colors of green grass and white pillars from Churchill Downs were posted on every street corner, constantly streamed over the television airwaves and the talk all week was of nothing other than Derby related items. I took notice instantly of the hat vendors that sold what once were plain straw hats, now layered with silk flowers and huge bows in hopes that the one wearing it would stand out in the massive crowd during the Run for the Roses. Celebrities were flying in from all over the world for this two minute race. I sincerely doubt if most were interested in anything other than the social status that being there brought them. As I passed through the airport to board my flight home, I saw swinging hat boxes hanging off the wrists of beautiful women. The boxes were absolutely gorgeous in and of themselves. I could not imagine the prize inside could be any more stunning than the box itself. The couture knew exactly what he was doing because the package created a desire to own the box, hold the box, see what was inside the box and if lucky enough, wear the creation upon your head watching chins drop as you strolled through the crowded area on race day! The images of wearing one of those hats were in my mind as I raced toward the "Now Boarding for Tulsa sign that had recently been illuminated.
When my assignment to Kentucky and Indiana ended, I was definitely sad. I had extended family there it seemed. I made life-long friends there. More than that, I learned many lessons there too. One of my co-workers was Tiffany. She was a single mother of 4 living on a $7.50 an hour job and happy every single day. She would laugh with while telling me of her middle son's shenanigans of the day before. She had a laugh that I will never forget, not for its distinct tone, but for the fact that it was contagious! She would start laughing and telling a story and before long, people were gathered around her, chuckling, belly laughing and even an occasional snort would come out of those listening intently to Tiffany talk on and on. Tiffany would also share her dreams of someday being the first one in her family to attend and graduate college. She called it "university" most of the time. She would say, "Deb, I'm gonna make my momma proud when I go to university!" I believed here then and I believer her now. It may take her a while, but I certainly can see her walking across that stage, unable to contain her giggles, smiling her pretty white smile, a stark contrast to her very dark African-American skin, and receiving a diploma that, for her, feels like a one way ticket out of poverty. I want to work with Tiffany again. I want to associate with here forever. I call her once in a while. She laughs, calls me by name before I even announce who I am and then we pick up right where we left off. She tells me about her kids latest accomplishment or what her Mam-maw fixed for Sunday dinner and we let time run away. Mam-maw (the term of endearment she calls here Grandmother) liked to fix very traditional southern cuisine. I would wince at some of the menu items and Tiffany would...you guessed it...laugh.
When I returned home for the final time, my perspective changed somewhat. I no longer had as strong of pull to flashy items. My focus changed to wanting to spend time with my Meme (the term of endearment the grandkids use for my mother) and less time in Wal Mart stocking up on unnecessary necessities.
I'm spending time with my parents for sure now and it is working out fine. No car, no job, no money, but I am blessed beyond belief. Tiffany taught me that! I can't wait to see her again. I hope she wears a big hat with bright pink flowers, but all she will have to do is laugh and I will know it is my old friend!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
HERE A THOUGHT, THERE A THOUGHT
I am not really sure why I quit blogging a few months ago, but here I go again. I'm not making any commitment, but this truly is therapeutic for me, writing. Beware, my thoughts tonight are very disjointed, random, and even discombobulated, if you will. You might want to buckle up, this could be a very bumpy ride. Here goes!
Only two more months until the adornment on my ankle will be removed! A surprise visit from the probation officer brought me good news yesterday. At least it was good in my estimation. I asked him about the removal date of August 8th and that being a Sunday, I would assume I would have to remain in the bracelet until Monday, the 9th. He suggested I could cut the bracelet off myself on the 8th! Can you believe it? I am really thrilled that I get to ceremonial remove this appendage myself! He is double checking, just to make sure I don't cause some sort of alarm in Washington, DC or something! I wonder if you think its silly to be excited about getting this thing off one day earlier, but believe me, it will be the best nights sleep I will ever have - without the bracelet! My leg will not sweat under the thick rubber band that holds the device tightly against my skin.
I asked a lot of questions during his visit and was satisfied with the answers. One huge continual concern was that I would not be able to visit my grandkids for 5 years without severe limitations and lots of red tape. He assured me, as long as things continue going as well as they are (read: as long as you don't screw this up...) then I could even be approved to visit my family in Kansas on a once a month basis. Can you believe it? Praise the Lord for working this out, that's what I'm saying!
Also, the judge sentenced me to 5 years probation, but did publicly mention that he was surprised himself to find out that it could be terminated after 1 year was served under certain circumstances. I asked yesterday for more details and the PO suggested we wait until 2 1/2 years and request probation be terminated then as it is more likely then. So, the way I see it, I will be done with this "stuff" by fall of 2012. That is so much better than 2015 as was earlier dictated.
Another issue is the 50 hours of community service. I have not done any of this because my back hurts so bad, I doubt I can do what will be asked of me at the one place they have to serve. I asked him about another option and he is checking into it. It would be service for the Kingdom instead of man if it all works out!
Do you see a pattern here? When all of the rules and limitations were placed on me, I gave unto Caesar what was Caesar's, but I cried out to God for help and he has already performed miracles in my favor. Sure, I would like to be free from all of these burdens now, but I guarantee you I am closer to God now than I was 3 years ago and He is being glorified, which I believe is one of the purposes in this happening in the first place.
Now, don't get me wrong, the days are long, the nights are short and my dog gets me through a lot of lonely times. The job search continues, the rejection still comes at me like darts flying in the air and landing on my heart. The satan imposed shame and guilt associated with the conviction lingers in the air like a dark cloud over my head. But through it all, "I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that he is able, to keep that which I've committed unto him against that day!" This may be a lyric to an old hymn, but it really is what my spirit is singing on a regular basis.
Am I getting to heavy for you? Okay, that was not a physical heavy - type question. I meant heavy as in deep, burdensome, weary, difficult to carry type of heavy. I don't want to do that so let's lighten this up a bit, shall we? (BTW, I already know the answer to the too heavy as in physical weight gain type question - whoa Nellie, I'm plump!)
So what shall we talk about next? Hmmm...we could talk about....well there's that one time....nope, that's not a good story to tell....what about that thing....nope, don't want to tell you that either. I think I will close this blog entry for now and give you something to laugh about another time. Right now, let's just praise the Lord together for all He has done for each of us and all He has planned for our lives and pray that our steps are ordered by Him! Agree with me? I thought you would, in Jesus' name! Amen! Let it be so!
Only two more months until the adornment on my ankle will be removed! A surprise visit from the probation officer brought me good news yesterday. At least it was good in my estimation. I asked him about the removal date of August 8th and that being a Sunday, I would assume I would have to remain in the bracelet until Monday, the 9th. He suggested I could cut the bracelet off myself on the 8th! Can you believe it? I am really thrilled that I get to ceremonial remove this appendage myself! He is double checking, just to make sure I don't cause some sort of alarm in Washington, DC or something! I wonder if you think its silly to be excited about getting this thing off one day earlier, but believe me, it will be the best nights sleep I will ever have - without the bracelet! My leg will not sweat under the thick rubber band that holds the device tightly against my skin.
I asked a lot of questions during his visit and was satisfied with the answers. One huge continual concern was that I would not be able to visit my grandkids for 5 years without severe limitations and lots of red tape. He assured me, as long as things continue going as well as they are (read: as long as you don't screw this up...) then I could even be approved to visit my family in Kansas on a once a month basis. Can you believe it? Praise the Lord for working this out, that's what I'm saying!
Also, the judge sentenced me to 5 years probation, but did publicly mention that he was surprised himself to find out that it could be terminated after 1 year was served under certain circumstances. I asked yesterday for more details and the PO suggested we wait until 2 1/2 years and request probation be terminated then as it is more likely then. So, the way I see it, I will be done with this "stuff" by fall of 2012. That is so much better than 2015 as was earlier dictated.
Another issue is the 50 hours of community service. I have not done any of this because my back hurts so bad, I doubt I can do what will be asked of me at the one place they have to serve. I asked him about another option and he is checking into it. It would be service for the Kingdom instead of man if it all works out!
Do you see a pattern here? When all of the rules and limitations were placed on me, I gave unto Caesar what was Caesar's, but I cried out to God for help and he has already performed miracles in my favor. Sure, I would like to be free from all of these burdens now, but I guarantee you I am closer to God now than I was 3 years ago and He is being glorified, which I believe is one of the purposes in this happening in the first place.
Now, don't get me wrong, the days are long, the nights are short and my dog gets me through a lot of lonely times. The job search continues, the rejection still comes at me like darts flying in the air and landing on my heart. The satan imposed shame and guilt associated with the conviction lingers in the air like a dark cloud over my head. But through it all, "I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that he is able, to keep that which I've committed unto him against that day!" This may be a lyric to an old hymn, but it really is what my spirit is singing on a regular basis.
Am I getting to heavy for you? Okay, that was not a physical heavy - type question. I meant heavy as in deep, burdensome, weary, difficult to carry type of heavy. I don't want to do that so let's lighten this up a bit, shall we? (BTW, I already know the answer to the too heavy as in physical weight gain type question - whoa Nellie, I'm plump!)
So what shall we talk about next? Hmmm...we could talk about....well there's that one time....nope, that's not a good story to tell....what about that thing....nope, don't want to tell you that either. I think I will close this blog entry for now and give you something to laugh about another time. Right now, let's just praise the Lord together for all He has done for each of us and all He has planned for our lives and pray that our steps are ordered by Him! Agree with me? I thought you would, in Jesus' name! Amen! Let it be so!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD
There is a lot to look forward to in my life. Right? Please tell me that is a true statement. I do not want to sound needy, but your positive feedback does help. I had not blogged about my job situation lately, but happily I made it through two interviews and the pre-employment physical and only had one hurdle left before beginning orientation and being among the employed (and soon the insured). Today was the pre-employment physical therapy assessment. They test your lifting capacity, legs, arms, neck, back, etc. since there is some lifting involved in the job description. At one point in the exam, the therapist became concerned with my lower back and decided I could not complete the exam without a visit from my family doctor and most likely x-rays. I am so disappointed because this will be rather costly since I have no medical benefits and no money. I have no reason to believe this is anything serious as I have not hand any major complaints. I am a bit concerned that seeing my family doctor about this may cause a pre-existing condition for future insurance claims which could prove costly if there indeed is a problem. So, do I move forward and pay hundreds of dollars for the exam and x-rays with the idea of getting a very low wage job? I don't really feel like I have much choice.
I'm going to be honest with you. I crashed emotionally today. This was a blow I did not remotely see coming. Now I have questions for you. How do you know when a situation like this is God protecting you, molding you, using you, keeping you safe or is it Stan (aka satan) tripping you up for his own purpose and destruction.
Perhaps I am being too transparent or honest, but I don't have an answer for you today. However, I will pass on the text messages between me and my daughter in law (is that proper grammar?) today. I cried out to her via text message "Didn't pass physical therapy assessment. I'm crushed. Persecuted. Condemned. Homeless. Jobless. Broke. Broken. Now what?"
Her response was right on, "You are hard pressed, not crushed. Persecuted, but not abandoned. Struck down, but not destroyed. You will continue to do what you have been doing, looking for a job while you continue to trust in Him. he knows what happened and is not surprised or unsure what to do next."
I will read these words over and over again until I believe them again. I'm having some faint heart moments when it comes to knowing that I know that I know. Know what I mean? This is scripture for me to live by. I know it, but I am having a hard time. I'm so glad this is truth from God's Word as well as from my daughter in law.
I love you all so much and appreciate your prayers. This is not my typical blog, I realize that. I am back to the drawing board. In the meantime, I will be still and know that He is God and I am not! Gabby Gal
I'm going to be honest with you. I crashed emotionally today. This was a blow I did not remotely see coming. Now I have questions for you. How do you know when a situation like this is God protecting you, molding you, using you, keeping you safe or is it Stan (aka satan) tripping you up for his own purpose and destruction.
Perhaps I am being too transparent or honest, but I don't have an answer for you today. However, I will pass on the text messages between me and my daughter in law (is that proper grammar?) today. I cried out to her via text message "Didn't pass physical therapy assessment. I'm crushed. Persecuted. Condemned. Homeless. Jobless. Broke. Broken. Now what?"
Her response was right on, "You are hard pressed, not crushed. Persecuted, but not abandoned. Struck down, but not destroyed. You will continue to do what you have been doing, looking for a job while you continue to trust in Him. he knows what happened and is not surprised or unsure what to do next."
I will read these words over and over again until I believe them again. I'm having some faint heart moments when it comes to knowing that I know that I know. Know what I mean? This is scripture for me to live by. I know it, but I am having a hard time. I'm so glad this is truth from God's Word as well as from my daughter in law.
I love you all so much and appreciate your prayers. This is not my typical blog, I realize that. I am back to the drawing board. In the meantime, I will be still and know that He is God and I am not! Gabby Gal
Monday, February 15, 2010
WORDS
I love to talk. I love words. Encouraging others with words, written or verbal, can have a real boom-a-rang effect. When I make someone else smile, it causes me to smile also. I'm sure this is not a light bulb kind of moment for any of you reading this. But I write this now because words have made a positive change in my life recently. The words spoken during a visit from a friend bringing a Happy Valentine's Day greeting or the words of a family member on the phone wishing me a great day, they are all very uplifting.
On the other hand, words have recently had a very negative effect on my life also. Words have stung and hurt deeply, from old friends that have focused their efforts on destruction and hate. Words spoken from a judge set limits on my life for the next 5 years. Words quickly denied me the ability to visit my grandkids. Words have been the devil's tool in an attempt to kill, steal and destroy. But...
"I bring you news of great joy..." these words from an angel brought an announcement of the birth of Jesus. We are blessed to have God's word to study and hide in our heart so that it too can bring us great joy and hope for the future.
I've received emails from people that have been words of blessing and love and encouragement. I cannot tell you how wonderful these type of words are to receive. As an example, today, I received an email from a friend expressing her desire to connect with me as soon as I'm ready. I'm so glad this person has not walked out of my life even though I have not been a good friend and have been so selfishly focused on me. I received another email from a prayer warrior that spoke of how God has called me to go through the fire and be refined. She explained that when I come out the other side, I will be sharper than I was going in. She used a sword as her example. Oh, I pray she is right. I want to be sharper and more knowledgeable about my faith. As you can tell, I'm not a bible scholar, but I do love Jesus. Here are three little, but powerful, words just for you...I love you. Go ahead, smile. I just did!
Be still and know that He is God....GabbyGal
On the other hand, words have recently had a very negative effect on my life also. Words have stung and hurt deeply, from old friends that have focused their efforts on destruction and hate. Words spoken from a judge set limits on my life for the next 5 years. Words quickly denied me the ability to visit my grandkids. Words have been the devil's tool in an attempt to kill, steal and destroy. But...
"I bring you news of great joy..." these words from an angel brought an announcement of the birth of Jesus. We are blessed to have God's word to study and hide in our heart so that it too can bring us great joy and hope for the future.
I've received emails from people that have been words of blessing and love and encouragement. I cannot tell you how wonderful these type of words are to receive. As an example, today, I received an email from a friend expressing her desire to connect with me as soon as I'm ready. I'm so glad this person has not walked out of my life even though I have not been a good friend and have been so selfishly focused on me. I received another email from a prayer warrior that spoke of how God has called me to go through the fire and be refined. She explained that when I come out the other side, I will be sharper than I was going in. She used a sword as her example. Oh, I pray she is right. I want to be sharper and more knowledgeable about my faith. As you can tell, I'm not a bible scholar, but I do love Jesus. Here are three little, but powerful, words just for you...I love you. Go ahead, smile. I just did!
Be still and know that He is God....GabbyGal
Sunday, February 14, 2010
NOTES TO SELF....
MY NEW TO DO LIST
1. GET A PEDICURE, IN SIX MONTHS!
2. BUY AN ANKLE BRACELET, NOT BLACK OR MADE OF RUBBER, IN SIX MONTHS!
3. WEAR CAPRI LENGTH PANTS, IN SIX MONTHS!
4. SHAVE LEGS TO SHOW THEM OFF, IN SIX MONTHS!
5. PRAISE THE LORD FOR ALL HE HAS DONE FOR ME, NOW!
1. GET A PEDICURE, IN SIX MONTHS!
2. BUY AN ANKLE BRACELET, NOT BLACK OR MADE OF RUBBER, IN SIX MONTHS!
3. WEAR CAPRI LENGTH PANTS, IN SIX MONTHS!
4. SHAVE LEGS TO SHOW THEM OFF, IN SIX MONTHS!
5. PRAISE THE LORD FOR ALL HE HAS DONE FOR ME, NOW!
TOUCH A LIFE TODAY
Today's blog is an email conversation I had with a couple who evangelize throughout my community. I never officially met them, but had admired their work from afar. They held special services at my church on several occasions. The first email is from me to them after I finally met them in the grocery store. The meeting went from introducing ourselves to a very intimate exchange, as you will read.
Email To: Ms. J and Mr. L
From: GabbyGal
...I told you "your devotionals have changed my life" to which you responded with words of gratitude. And then, you, Ms.J touched me; held my hand. I cannot tell you how long it had been since someone touched me in such a way physically. I hope you have time to read on. I think it may bless you to know who you are reaching and the lives you are changing along the way with your inspired words.
First and foremost, I am a believer and follower of Jesus. I am married to a man who had a motorcycle accident 3 years ago and has some brain damage as a result. To talk to him casually, one might not know, but to have an in depth relationship with him is difficult. He does not fully use the emotional part of his brain and has limited cognitive skills. This has changed the dynamics of our marriage. He is not very "touchy-feely." Again, I thank you Ms. J for holding my hand. I almost cried right there next to the bananas!
Another aspect of change in our lives is a sudden loss of job on my part. With the accident, we have been supported by my income. I have been blessed with a wonderful job until a recent turn of events caused my former employer to charge me with a crime. The tragic result of this is that we have become homeless (staying with relatives now) jobless and we have sold our car to cut down on monthly obligations. But, on top of all that, God has provided. We are not going hungry. We really have had our needs met just as God promises. I have applied for numerous jobs only to be rejected. Again, your touch, Ms. J. meant the world to me. I feel as if I am suddenly a leper that nobody wants to be around. Our friends have left us by the dozens. We were not even sure the church would accept us after the news hit the papers. I have an application out right now that I am praying will be God's will. Agree with me, please and thank you.
Now, back to what I said to you in the grocery store. Your skillful stories about your family, your dedication to the Lord in the face of adversity, your training of the children and God's training of you as parents, your love for Jesus, all of this has come to me at just the right time. One lesson you wrote recently was about choosing friends wisely. It spoke to me. I will choose my next employer/friend totally based on the Lord's voice in my ear. I am listening to Him, not a dollar sign or a position in any corporation. I am simply going to be still and know...because He is God. I have learned all this and more from my Inbox. I anxiously await tomorrows entry. Please continue to bless us, your readers. I can't wait for your book to be published!
Waiting at the well, GabbyGal
Email To: GabbyGal
Email From: Ms. J & Mr. L
WOW, what a blessing to hear from you!!! That really made our day!! We were in tears reading your story and all that you have been walking through. You are right. God is providing for you and blessing you. For you to be able to see that is a huge indication of your maturity. For all of us in this country, what a gift to have what we have…in light of countries like Haiti and many others. We are praying for you..for your husband, your marriage, for peace with all of your relatives, for the perfect job with one you can trust and depend upon, and mostly, for a continued intimacy with the One Who loves you most and best. Thank you for the encouragement about the devos and our ministry. We often think that our contribution is small and insignificant, and moments with people like you keep us going!
Blessings and Peace!!!
TO MY BLOG FRIENDS: Don't ever underestimate the power of your touch on other people's lives. You have changed mine forever.
Email To: Ms. J and Mr. L
From: GabbyGal
...I told you "your devotionals have changed my life" to which you responded with words of gratitude. And then, you, Ms.J touched me; held my hand. I cannot tell you how long it had been since someone touched me in such a way physically. I hope you have time to read on. I think it may bless you to know who you are reaching and the lives you are changing along the way with your inspired words.
First and foremost, I am a believer and follower of Jesus. I am married to a man who had a motorcycle accident 3 years ago and has some brain damage as a result. To talk to him casually, one might not know, but to have an in depth relationship with him is difficult. He does not fully use the emotional part of his brain and has limited cognitive skills. This has changed the dynamics of our marriage. He is not very "touchy-feely." Again, I thank you Ms. J for holding my hand. I almost cried right there next to the bananas!
Another aspect of change in our lives is a sudden loss of job on my part. With the accident, we have been supported by my income. I have been blessed with a wonderful job until a recent turn of events caused my former employer to charge me with a crime. The tragic result of this is that we have become homeless (staying with relatives now) jobless and we have sold our car to cut down on monthly obligations. But, on top of all that, God has provided. We are not going hungry. We really have had our needs met just as God promises. I have applied for numerous jobs only to be rejected. Again, your touch, Ms. J. meant the world to me. I feel as if I am suddenly a leper that nobody wants to be around. Our friends have left us by the dozens. We were not even sure the church would accept us after the news hit the papers. I have an application out right now that I am praying will be God's will. Agree with me, please and thank you.
Now, back to what I said to you in the grocery store. Your skillful stories about your family, your dedication to the Lord in the face of adversity, your training of the children and God's training of you as parents, your love for Jesus, all of this has come to me at just the right time. One lesson you wrote recently was about choosing friends wisely. It spoke to me. I will choose my next employer/friend totally based on the Lord's voice in my ear. I am listening to Him, not a dollar sign or a position in any corporation. I am simply going to be still and know...because He is God. I have learned all this and more from my Inbox. I anxiously await tomorrows entry. Please continue to bless us, your readers. I can't wait for your book to be published!
Waiting at the well, GabbyGal
Email To: GabbyGal
Email From: Ms. J & Mr. L
WOW, what a blessing to hear from you!!! That really made our day!! We were in tears reading your story and all that you have been walking through. You are right. God is providing for you and blessing you. For you to be able to see that is a huge indication of your maturity. For all of us in this country, what a gift to have what we have…in light of countries like Haiti and many others. We are praying for you..for your husband, your marriage, for peace with all of your relatives, for the perfect job with one you can trust and depend upon, and mostly, for a continued intimacy with the One Who loves you most and best. Thank you for the encouragement about the devos and our ministry. We often think that our contribution is small and insignificant, and moments with people like you keep us going!
Blessings and Peace!!!
TO MY BLOG FRIENDS: Don't ever underestimate the power of your touch on other people's lives. You have changed mine forever.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
BIRDS OF A FEATHER ARE NOISY
The other morning, while taking my baby puppy out, I heard a noise that was unfamiliar to me. I listened intently. The dog was on point, even though he's not a hunting dog. We both knew the sound coming from above us was not typical for our morning walk. I searched through the trees, investigating the "Who-who-who" that was coming from up high. I was tickled that I might see an owl perched on a limb nearby. My bifocals failed me and I couldn't find the culprit for quite some time, but the noise continued. "Who-who-who" it came louder and louder as I walked farther towards the street. And then I saw it. Well, I didn't really see much except for a bird sitting on the telephone poll. I could tell it's chest would rise and fall when it made noise so I was certainly able to identify this as the bird that was making the noise. In my excitement to see a town owl - I had only seen an owl on the farm - I ran into the house and told my Dad "You have a big owl out here and its making lots of noise!" Dad grabbed his worn out moccasins and followed me out the patio doors to the same spot in the grass where I stood before. I pointed up to the wooden pole where the bird rested. "Who-who-who" the bird repeated in performance for my father. "Did you hear that?" I asked excitedly. Dad looked at me as if I was crazy. He announced to me in a very disappointed tone, "It's not an owl, it's a turtle dove!" as he turned around and disappeared back inside the house.
I ask you, how could I have mistaken a turtle dove for an owl? I heard an owl. I heard it make the distinct noise an owl makes! We all know an owl asks "Who?" well except for the owl on the Tootsie Roll commercial. He asks "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll?" but that's another blog, another time!
I was embarrassed that morning, when left all alone near the side of the road, looking up to verify that indeed it was a turtle dove and not an owl. I had been fooled by the noise.
Has that ever happened to you? Have you identified God's voice incorrectly? I am learning, through this experience to listen more intently and identify carefully whether the "Who-who-who" is truly God calling me or stan trying to trip me up. There have been times, even recently, when I wanted the voice to be God so badly that I didn't put it to the test against His word and I was fooled. Oh may I always hear God's voice, know it, follow it only and, even when it's a whisper or the answer is "no" may I always know the difference between the two distinctly different sounds in my life.
Have you ever walked into a crowded room looking for someone in particular and even though the room is full of noise, you could still identify the voice of that person across the way? You couldn't actually see them, but you knew they were there, you felt their presence. That's how I feel about God's calling today. I hear him. I can't see him. I know He's there. I am looking intently for him. I desire His presence. Even though my life is kind of noisy right now, I still know he is there. Even though I have to wear this monitor for 177 more days, I still know He has a purpose in all of this. I just have to be still and listen, be still and know...Gabby Gal
I ask you, how could I have mistaken a turtle dove for an owl? I heard an owl. I heard it make the distinct noise an owl makes! We all know an owl asks "Who?" well except for the owl on the Tootsie Roll commercial. He asks "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll?" but that's another blog, another time!
I was embarrassed that morning, when left all alone near the side of the road, looking up to verify that indeed it was a turtle dove and not an owl. I had been fooled by the noise.
Has that ever happened to you? Have you identified God's voice incorrectly? I am learning, through this experience to listen more intently and identify carefully whether the "Who-who-who" is truly God calling me or stan trying to trip me up. There have been times, even recently, when I wanted the voice to be God so badly that I didn't put it to the test against His word and I was fooled. Oh may I always hear God's voice, know it, follow it only and, even when it's a whisper or the answer is "no" may I always know the difference between the two distinctly different sounds in my life.
Have you ever walked into a crowded room looking for someone in particular and even though the room is full of noise, you could still identify the voice of that person across the way? You couldn't actually see them, but you knew they were there, you felt their presence. That's how I feel about God's calling today. I hear him. I can't see him. I know He's there. I am looking intently for him. I desire His presence. Even though my life is kind of noisy right now, I still know he is there. Even though I have to wear this monitor for 177 more days, I still know He has a purpose in all of this. I just have to be still and listen, be still and know...Gabby Gal
Friday, February 12, 2010
JUST ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE
Today was a pretty blah kind of day here in paradise. Nothing too exciting happened. Well, I guess in retrospect, that's not true either. I did interview for a job and feel pretty certain I will get an offer, but I hate to be too excited since I've been shot down so many times before. I'm not surprised by the prejudice that comes with the title "convicted felon" but I am aghast as to where it came from today.
The company I interviewed with is one of the top 5 employers in my community and they have a very diverse group of employees with hundreds of what I guess to be legal aliens working for them, foreigners that are here legally. I am assuming this anyway. The HR staff member that interviewed me did ask questions about my "issue with the law" and was very kind to me. I appreciated her tender voice and non-judgmental attitude after I gave my canned "I want to get past this horrible situation and get on with my life..." speech to her. I wish I could say more, but have been advised what I should say, so I don't add my two cents in. This company seemed open and willing to work with me. I just have to pass round two of the interview whenever they call. Thank you for praying with me about this. If it is God's will, then I'm ready to accept the position. If he closes the door, I accept that as well.
Another call came in today, from a rather large volunteer organization that is currently serving the devastated population of Haiti. Due to the nature of their business, they are currently receiving large donations at the local office. They have decided they do not need a volunteer "like me" and rejected my application. I am crushed. I really wanted to serve them. I must assume God is protecting me again, from a false accusation, an evil person, a poor working environment or he simply has a better / different plan for me. Thank you, Lord!
I do not want this blog to be a downer so let me share with you how I spent my morning! It was 6:45 AM and I was awake. If I'm up, the baby puppy is up too. He wanted outside to do his doggie business. My restrictions do not allow me to leave the house until 7:00AM. Have you ever asked a dog to hold it for 15 minutes? I talked in a very gentle voice to him and explained that "Momma will get her clothes changed and take you outside in a few minutes." What you need to understand is that my dog is extra special and he does understand me when I talk to him. In very human fashion, he doesn't always agree with me or want to comply. I wasn't sure what to expect from him. My mind went to a vacation I was on with my family as a child and how many restrooms Dad drove past before he actually stopped at a rest stop for us to go potty. I wondered if my bladder was going to pop when we kept driving that day. I am almost certain the baby puppy was feeling the same. At 7:01 AM I opened the door and the dog headed for the nearest tree. All was well in his world. Have you ever watched a dog dream? Do you think they dream of fire hydrants on every street corner and bones loaded with meat? I believe my dog dreams about chasing rabbits. His legs move and jerk as if he is just about to grab onto it and then, he wakes up. I can see missed opportunity written all over his fuzzy face.
After dealing with the dog, I went to clean a house, something I have been doing every other Friday for a while. A friend of mine was gracious to give me this opportunity. I make just enough money every two weeks to groom my baby puppy. He is so worth it and I like serving my friend in this manner too.
The house is rather large with tile floors throughout a large portion. The acoustics in the house, when I'm there all alone, are great. This morning, I was feeling a bit blue and I decided the best medicine would be to praise the Lord with song. I began with a simple chorus of "I love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship you, oh my soul, rejoice...Take joy my king, in what you hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear!" I sang softly at first and grew louder and louder as I enjoyed the sound vibrate from the tiles to the ceiling, bouncing off the walls and back to me. I was singing at the top of my lungs changing tunes occasionally. I vacuumed and dusted and cleaned toilets and mirrors with a heavy spirit at first, but after about four rounds of worshipful songs, my heart caught up with my mouth and I finally had a worshipful attitude. I can imagine God smiling and laughing at me. I think he does that quite often. I love to laugh and I think when I live in heaven, Jesus and I are just going to see each other on the street and break into laughter, the belly laugh kind. The laughs that make you snort. We are just going to enjoy each other's company and then I am going to ask a ton of questions! For those of you that know me well, can you imagine how I am going to talk and talk and talk to Jesus when I get there? It's going to be amazing! He listens to me now, it will be amazing to talk to Him face to face! You know the saying, "talk your ear off"...well He would just heal it back on....oh what a goofy statement. I'm digressing again....sorry.
So, its the end of the day. It's been uneventful when compared to yesterday. Perhaps this is exactly what I needed, a day to just "Be still and know that He is God"...GabbyGal
The company I interviewed with is one of the top 5 employers in my community and they have a very diverse group of employees with hundreds of what I guess to be legal aliens working for them, foreigners that are here legally. I am assuming this anyway. The HR staff member that interviewed me did ask questions about my "issue with the law" and was very kind to me. I appreciated her tender voice and non-judgmental attitude after I gave my canned "I want to get past this horrible situation and get on with my life..." speech to her. I wish I could say more, but have been advised what I should say, so I don't add my two cents in. This company seemed open and willing to work with me. I just have to pass round two of the interview whenever they call. Thank you for praying with me about this. If it is God's will, then I'm ready to accept the position. If he closes the door, I accept that as well.
Another call came in today, from a rather large volunteer organization that is currently serving the devastated population of Haiti. Due to the nature of their business, they are currently receiving large donations at the local office. They have decided they do not need a volunteer "like me" and rejected my application. I am crushed. I really wanted to serve them. I must assume God is protecting me again, from a false accusation, an evil person, a poor working environment or he simply has a better / different plan for me. Thank you, Lord!
I do not want this blog to be a downer so let me share with you how I spent my morning! It was 6:45 AM and I was awake. If I'm up, the baby puppy is up too. He wanted outside to do his doggie business. My restrictions do not allow me to leave the house until 7:00AM. Have you ever asked a dog to hold it for 15 minutes? I talked in a very gentle voice to him and explained that "Momma will get her clothes changed and take you outside in a few minutes." What you need to understand is that my dog is extra special and he does understand me when I talk to him. In very human fashion, he doesn't always agree with me or want to comply. I wasn't sure what to expect from him. My mind went to a vacation I was on with my family as a child and how many restrooms Dad drove past before he actually stopped at a rest stop for us to go potty. I wondered if my bladder was going to pop when we kept driving that day. I am almost certain the baby puppy was feeling the same. At 7:01 AM I opened the door and the dog headed for the nearest tree. All was well in his world. Have you ever watched a dog dream? Do you think they dream of fire hydrants on every street corner and bones loaded with meat? I believe my dog dreams about chasing rabbits. His legs move and jerk as if he is just about to grab onto it and then, he wakes up. I can see missed opportunity written all over his fuzzy face.
After dealing with the dog, I went to clean a house, something I have been doing every other Friday for a while. A friend of mine was gracious to give me this opportunity. I make just enough money every two weeks to groom my baby puppy. He is so worth it and I like serving my friend in this manner too.
The house is rather large with tile floors throughout a large portion. The acoustics in the house, when I'm there all alone, are great. This morning, I was feeling a bit blue and I decided the best medicine would be to praise the Lord with song. I began with a simple chorus of "I love you Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship you, oh my soul, rejoice...Take joy my king, in what you hear, may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear!" I sang softly at first and grew louder and louder as I enjoyed the sound vibrate from the tiles to the ceiling, bouncing off the walls and back to me. I was singing at the top of my lungs changing tunes occasionally. I vacuumed and dusted and cleaned toilets and mirrors with a heavy spirit at first, but after about four rounds of worshipful songs, my heart caught up with my mouth and I finally had a worshipful attitude. I can imagine God smiling and laughing at me. I think he does that quite often. I love to laugh and I think when I live in heaven, Jesus and I are just going to see each other on the street and break into laughter, the belly laugh kind. The laughs that make you snort. We are just going to enjoy each other's company and then I am going to ask a ton of questions! For those of you that know me well, can you imagine how I am going to talk and talk and talk to Jesus when I get there? It's going to be amazing! He listens to me now, it will be amazing to talk to Him face to face! You know the saying, "talk your ear off"...well He would just heal it back on....oh what a goofy statement. I'm digressing again....sorry.
So, its the end of the day. It's been uneventful when compared to yesterday. Perhaps this is exactly what I needed, a day to just "Be still and know that He is God"...GabbyGal
Thursday, February 11, 2010
THE EAGLE HAS LANDED
The Eagle has landed. Starsky and Hutch have left the building. Device is activated. I'm not one for CSI or NCIS or even Judge Judy so I'll give it to you straight; no code talk, the ankle monitor has been attached and new parameters put into place for my roaming the earth.
In very "me" fashion, I whined and whimpered when it was attached. However, after about 30 minutes of digesting what just happened, I determined "it's not that bad."
I hope you all don't use this statement against me later on. Okay, so maybe my friends and family will have to remind me at some point that this "is not so bad." To be honest with you, I haven't looked at "it" since it was placed. It's my method of denial. It's not there if I don't see it. Kind of like roaches in a Chinese restaurant! Okay all of you that have eaten at Peking Taste, (city not named for liability purposes) groan now! LOL
My emotional reaction probably is to be expected, especially from me, but this afternoon I begin to ask myself a very important question. Who am I in this story? When people hear about what happened, who do they determine me to be? Am I a victim, helpless and in distress waiting for someone to come rescue me? Am I the hero, avenging wrong doing and saving the day for all others in distress? Am I the villian, sneeky and untruthful? This has really caused me to think about my reaction to all that has taken place in the last two plus years. I think I may have played all three roles, victim, hero and villian, at different intervals. I have determined that God's word clearly says He is the author and finisher. I believe God is asking me to surrender AGAIN let Him be God. He is asking me to surrender my day, my night, my career, my family, my future, my will, my ALL. He is trying to keep the scenes of my life moving by His direction and I keep getting in the way. Can you see God with that black thing they use when making a movie - I don't know what its called. God yells, "Debbie's life - Act 46 take 3" and snap goes the movie thing. Suddenly, I try to take over and act contrary to God's plan and he yells, "Cut!" I know there have been times I have not listened. Other times, I give in knowing He should be the one in charge, not me! Oh these are hard lessons to learn. I want to go to commercial breaks often. You know the funny ones, like the "Where's the beef?" lady of years back.
Anyway, back to the question I have asked myself this afternoon..."Who am in this story?" I have answers now, after studying God's word. I am the head and not the tail, above and not beneath, redeemed, an heir, a branch, free from the law of sin and death, chosen, holy, the righteousness of Christ, set apart and His bride.
So today a new part of my life's story took place. But, what stan meant for harm and destruction, God used as a lesson for me. I am not the villian. I am not the hero. I am not the victim. I am His child. He is my Abba Father and I will let Him guide me, today and tomorrow.
Remember, there is hope and redemption through Jesus. Be still and know...GabbyGal
In very "me" fashion, I whined and whimpered when it was attached. However, after about 30 minutes of digesting what just happened, I determined "it's not that bad."
I hope you all don't use this statement against me later on. Okay, so maybe my friends and family will have to remind me at some point that this "is not so bad." To be honest with you, I haven't looked at "it" since it was placed. It's my method of denial. It's not there if I don't see it. Kind of like roaches in a Chinese restaurant! Okay all of you that have eaten at Peking Taste, (city not named for liability purposes) groan now! LOL
My emotional reaction probably is to be expected, especially from me, but this afternoon I begin to ask myself a very important question. Who am I in this story? When people hear about what happened, who do they determine me to be? Am I a victim, helpless and in distress waiting for someone to come rescue me? Am I the hero, avenging wrong doing and saving the day for all others in distress? Am I the villian, sneeky and untruthful? This has really caused me to think about my reaction to all that has taken place in the last two plus years. I think I may have played all three roles, victim, hero and villian, at different intervals. I have determined that God's word clearly says He is the author and finisher. I believe God is asking me to surrender AGAIN let Him be God. He is asking me to surrender my day, my night, my career, my family, my future, my will, my ALL. He is trying to keep the scenes of my life moving by His direction and I keep getting in the way. Can you see God with that black thing they use when making a movie - I don't know what its called. God yells, "Debbie's life - Act 46 take 3" and snap goes the movie thing. Suddenly, I try to take over and act contrary to God's plan and he yells, "Cut!" I know there have been times I have not listened. Other times, I give in knowing He should be the one in charge, not me! Oh these are hard lessons to learn. I want to go to commercial breaks often. You know the funny ones, like the "Where's the beef?" lady of years back.
Anyway, back to the question I have asked myself this afternoon..."Who am in this story?" I have answers now, after studying God's word. I am the head and not the tail, above and not beneath, redeemed, an heir, a branch, free from the law of sin and death, chosen, holy, the righteousness of Christ, set apart and His bride.
So today a new part of my life's story took place. But, what stan meant for harm and destruction, God used as a lesson for me. I am not the villian. I am not the hero. I am not the victim. I am His child. He is my Abba Father and I will let Him guide me, today and tomorrow.
Remember, there is hope and redemption through Jesus. Be still and know...GabbyGal
STAN, LEAVE US ALONE!
My friend Cathy, she is a true professional, a stickler for accuracy and detail. Her business is medical transcription; typing what she hears the doctor say in her ears and transforming it into a document that legally describes what the doctor did. This might include the name of a test ordered or a drug prescribed. Cathy is certain when this document is printed out, it is a true and accurate representation of what the physician dictated. She is good at what she does, actually the best in our neck of the woods. The odd thing about it, she is deaf in one ear. Deaf? Maybe she is just extremely hard of hearing in one ear, I guess I really don't know. What I do know is that if you really want to talk to her, you sit on her left side. Right side; blank stares. Cathy is so used to maneuvering around her bad ear, it is obviously second nature when she goes to a restaurant to find the seat that will accommodate her ability to hear the waiter and her fellow diners. If she delays in finding a seat and someone else gets the good spot, it causes her great neck strain. Cathy had neck surgery a few years ago. I'm sure it had to be related to her lifetime of computer use with her job, but it could also be the constant turning to her left side she has to do to hear when I talk. And I do talk, a lot!
Now, don't get upset with me for mentioning this deeply personal issue my friend has. I am in awe of her. She has overcome this adversity and has had a great career that requires keen listening skills and with only half the ability to hear. How awesome is that? She is a great example of perseverance. I admire her fingers as they fly across a keyboard too. I have never heard her say how many words she can type a minute, but believe me, it would me in the triple digits, I'm certain. We will sometimes chat on instant messaging. I don't do this often because I type rather quickly and waiting on a hunt and peck typist is very annoying to me. Cathy and I can really chat it up because we both type rapidly. I enjoy our occasional talks online!
Cathy shares occasional funny emails with me about how a doctor's intended words were confused and a "female" becomes a "fat whale"...it's like the Mad Gab game. I laugh at the silly things that can come out of some of these mistakes. Mistakes made by other people, not Cathy, mind you. Except for this one confession Cathy made to me. I just have to share! It isn't even anything medical really. Cathy shares a lot about her faith with her friends she chats with online. But, when your professional transcriptionist friend shares her faith, one might expect the same accuracy in typing a personal note also. Oh contraire! For some odd reason, when she tells of satan's shenanigans, she cannot write the word satan, S-A-T-A-N. Cathy's fingers rebel and will only type Stan, S-T-A-N. So, after correcting this for quite sometime, Cathy told me of her digit dilemma and we decided Stan was forever the name for this coward we give too much credit to. Stan. He's a liar and a thief and he smells like smoke. If you have a loved one named Stan, please forgive me, but from here on out, satan is stan and stan is satan.
Later in the week, I was attending a bible study at church. That morning, things were pretty light hearted so I shared Cathy's new name for the evil one. We laughed about it and quickly moved onto something else. Later, the ladies had a time of prayer. During a moment when words failed one of the women she yelled out, "Stan, leave us alone!" She seriously meant it, but the laughter that followed was somewhat irreverent.
This war cry has become one I have used quite often since. Stan really does need to leave us alone. What's even better, Jesus is my warrior who fights stan off. Oh the battle is raging, people, and I am so happy that Jesus is in the fire with me and when I come out of the blazing inferno of life I do not even smell like smoke! But stan, he simply stinks!
Now, don't get upset with me for mentioning this deeply personal issue my friend has. I am in awe of her. She has overcome this adversity and has had a great career that requires keen listening skills and with only half the ability to hear. How awesome is that? She is a great example of perseverance. I admire her fingers as they fly across a keyboard too. I have never heard her say how many words she can type a minute, but believe me, it would me in the triple digits, I'm certain. We will sometimes chat on instant messaging. I don't do this often because I type rather quickly and waiting on a hunt and peck typist is very annoying to me. Cathy and I can really chat it up because we both type rapidly. I enjoy our occasional talks online!
Cathy shares occasional funny emails with me about how a doctor's intended words were confused and a "female" becomes a "fat whale"...it's like the Mad Gab game. I laugh at the silly things that can come out of some of these mistakes. Mistakes made by other people, not Cathy, mind you. Except for this one confession Cathy made to me. I just have to share! It isn't even anything medical really. Cathy shares a lot about her faith with her friends she chats with online. But, when your professional transcriptionist friend shares her faith, one might expect the same accuracy in typing a personal note also. Oh contraire! For some odd reason, when she tells of satan's shenanigans, she cannot write the word satan, S-A-T-A-N. Cathy's fingers rebel and will only type Stan, S-T-A-N. So, after correcting this for quite sometime, Cathy told me of her digit dilemma and we decided Stan was forever the name for this coward we give too much credit to. Stan. He's a liar and a thief and he smells like smoke. If you have a loved one named Stan, please forgive me, but from here on out, satan is stan and stan is satan.
Later in the week, I was attending a bible study at church. That morning, things were pretty light hearted so I shared Cathy's new name for the evil one. We laughed about it and quickly moved onto something else. Later, the ladies had a time of prayer. During a moment when words failed one of the women she yelled out, "Stan, leave us alone!" She seriously meant it, but the laughter that followed was somewhat irreverent.
This war cry has become one I have used quite often since. Stan really does need to leave us alone. What's even better, Jesus is my warrior who fights stan off. Oh the battle is raging, people, and I am so happy that Jesus is in the fire with me and when I come out of the blazing inferno of life I do not even smell like smoke! But stan, he simply stinks!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG...
There really isn't any question as to whether I want to blog. I really do. I'm just a bit timid about what to share and how much information is too much, especially on the world wide web. I think my intimidation might be understandable in light of recent events.
A seemingly small battle was won today. Praise the Lord, I went to the doctor and he gave me my prescriptions for an entire year. I was really dreading having to go to the doctor with the ankle monitor on. The doctor typically only writes prescriptions for up to 6 months. The amazing thing was, I didn't even ask, he simply did it (wrote for a years supply) and handed me the Rx. Amazing! God takes care of me in small ways as well as big, gigantic, huge, enormous ones.
Yesterday, I was reading from Jeremiah and came across the story where God told Jeremiah to wear a yoke. In trying to find some definition as to why this was requested of him, one teacher of the scriptures explained Jeremiah was demonstrating his loyalty to the government by wearing the yoke around his neck and his obedience to God at the same time. I'm not sure I really understood the scripture or the meaning of what was taking place, but I suddenly felt that Jeremiah (not the bullfrog, but the well known bible character) and I have something in common. I too will wear a yoke of sorts, an ankle bracelet-monitoring device, to show my loyalty to the government's rules they have set for me and as a sign to my devotion to the Lord as I think about the crown of glory I will wear someday in heaven with Jesus. This offers hope and light in the middle of what often feels like hopelessness and darkness.
This afternoon I received two phone calls. One was from the probation officer announcing his plan for a visit tomorrow. I was discouraged, but understand it has to be done. I have been praying continuously about his arrival and presence here. I am asking for the Lord's presence and peace above all else. May I handle this with dignity.
The second phone call resulted in phone calls #4 and #5 I believe. Without giving too much detail, the old friend was wanting to reconnect since finding out that I was "in trouble" she called it. Her timing may seem somewhat odd, but the real truth is, she is having "trouble" of her own. She wanted someone to talk to, someone to offer her hope in her own dark world. Hope in the darkness. She needs Jesus. She needs love, redemption and hope. I let her talk. She fell silent after asking me, "How do you do it every day; wake up and keep going?" I explained to her that my relationship with Jesus and the promises in His word gave me all I needed to keep going. She said, "I need to go to church!" A gentle reminder was offered that going to church was not what I was talking about. Jesus opened up my mouth and gave me the words to share His love with her. Her response was rather reserved, but she is willing to talk some more another time. She will come around. I just know this is all by divine appointment. We have not seen each other in many years, still haven't. This was all over the phone as a result of the newspaper article about my sentencing.
I'm not excited this old friend has had her own problems. Please don't get me wrong. What I am thrilled about is the Lord using my situation to bring a lost sheep into the fold. I am rejoicing that He has allowed this connection to take place in a very non-threatening way and used me - me - He is using me. Oh how I have longed for this nightmare to turn around and me about Jesus and not about me.
What a day! I'm about to call it a night. Before I do, I want to thank God for ordering my steps. Are my thoughts convoluted tonight? I hope not. I think my fingers are flying faster than my thoughts.
"Be still and know..." GabbyGal
A seemingly small battle was won today. Praise the Lord, I went to the doctor and he gave me my prescriptions for an entire year. I was really dreading having to go to the doctor with the ankle monitor on. The doctor typically only writes prescriptions for up to 6 months. The amazing thing was, I didn't even ask, he simply did it (wrote for a years supply) and handed me the Rx. Amazing! God takes care of me in small ways as well as big, gigantic, huge, enormous ones.
Yesterday, I was reading from Jeremiah and came across the story where God told Jeremiah to wear a yoke. In trying to find some definition as to why this was requested of him, one teacher of the scriptures explained Jeremiah was demonstrating his loyalty to the government by wearing the yoke around his neck and his obedience to God at the same time. I'm not sure I really understood the scripture or the meaning of what was taking place, but I suddenly felt that Jeremiah (not the bullfrog, but the well known bible character) and I have something in common. I too will wear a yoke of sorts, an ankle bracelet-monitoring device, to show my loyalty to the government's rules they have set for me and as a sign to my devotion to the Lord as I think about the crown of glory I will wear someday in heaven with Jesus. This offers hope and light in the middle of what often feels like hopelessness and darkness.
This afternoon I received two phone calls. One was from the probation officer announcing his plan for a visit tomorrow. I was discouraged, but understand it has to be done. I have been praying continuously about his arrival and presence here. I am asking for the Lord's presence and peace above all else. May I handle this with dignity.
The second phone call resulted in phone calls #4 and #5 I believe. Without giving too much detail, the old friend was wanting to reconnect since finding out that I was "in trouble" she called it. Her timing may seem somewhat odd, but the real truth is, she is having "trouble" of her own. She wanted someone to talk to, someone to offer her hope in her own dark world. Hope in the darkness. She needs Jesus. She needs love, redemption and hope. I let her talk. She fell silent after asking me, "How do you do it every day; wake up and keep going?" I explained to her that my relationship with Jesus and the promises in His word gave me all I needed to keep going. She said, "I need to go to church!" A gentle reminder was offered that going to church was not what I was talking about. Jesus opened up my mouth and gave me the words to share His love with her. Her response was rather reserved, but she is willing to talk some more another time. She will come around. I just know this is all by divine appointment. We have not seen each other in many years, still haven't. This was all over the phone as a result of the newspaper article about my sentencing.
I'm not excited this old friend has had her own problems. Please don't get me wrong. What I am thrilled about is the Lord using my situation to bring a lost sheep into the fold. I am rejoicing that He has allowed this connection to take place in a very non-threatening way and used me - me - He is using me. Oh how I have longed for this nightmare to turn around and me about Jesus and not about me.
What a day! I'm about to call it a night. Before I do, I want to thank God for ordering my steps. Are my thoughts convoluted tonight? I hope not. I think my fingers are flying faster than my thoughts.
"Be still and know..." GabbyGal
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Day ONE? MAYBE...part 2
It won't be today. He called. It will most likely be Thursday. I also have been informed there will be NO travel the entire 180 days. He specifically addressed my desire to go to see the grandkids up north. No go! He outlined my hours to work, run errands, do community service and attend worship services. Weekdays 7am to 7 pm. Weekends 9am to 2pm. I asked, what I thought might sound like a foolish question, regarding my baby puppy. The result is that I cannot walk the dog outside of these "work" hours. The restrictions are becoming more real now.
But on the bright side...God is good. I can't wait to tell you what he showed me in Jeremiah today. I'll save it for tomorrow's blog.
Be restored, renewed, have hope and know that God loves you!
GabbyGal
But on the bright side...God is good. I can't wait to tell you what he showed me in Jeremiah today. I'll save it for tomorrow's blog.
Be restored, renewed, have hope and know that God loves you!
GabbyGal
DAY ONE? MAYBE...
He may come today. He will let me know. Looking forward to it? Not in the least. He is to call and let me know when he is coming. He laughed at me when I responded negatively to his delay. "I thought you didn't want this?" I don't want it. I do, however, want this to begin so it can end.
Pardon me for starting in the middle. He, is the probation officer. The "this" is the ankle bracelet I am to wear for the next 180 days. To say I'm dreading it is an understatement. I wonder how it is going to feel against my skin? Of course I want to know how it is going to look under my pant leg. The decision to make me wear this device has raised more questions, but answers will come in time. Time, tick tock.
Again, I wonder if I shaved my legs well enough in preparation for the attachment ceremony. I wonder if it will rub against my leg, be too tight or too loose. I wonder if it will smell. Hang on. I have a sensitive nose. I smell things others don't. Rubber stinks. How do I know the device is rubber? He showed it to me. I touched it. I felt dirty afterwards. I felt as if I had held something so ugly and evil in my hand. I wonder how they clean it after they take it off of one person before placing it on another. It looks like a bad Timex wrist watch with an extra-wide band. A green giant time piece, if you will. It is water proof. It would have to be since the item cannot be removed for the ordered 180 days. This 6 month period will take me through the summer season. I will sweat. Hot rubber + hot skin = sweat and stink. I am already thinking of ways to camouflage the tracking device, but I am not sure any of this will be allowed. I certainly don't want to do anything wrong. I was thinking of cutting the top of a sock off and put it like a 1980's wrist / sweat band underneath so it wouldn't rub on my leg. I am aware that I won't be wearing shorts or capri pants for the season as they would reveal the device which I want to remain hidden. I wonder how well hidden it will be after the blog is posted.
I really do not want to have an audience when he comes to place the device. This is very personal. I would rather it be like he was delivering pizza. Quickly he walks in, drops of what he came to deliver and out he goes to the next individual he services in like manner.
I am not certain yet how this will all work, the phone line, the device, the schedule they will impose. But I do know that I intend to comply with every request they make. I want this behind me.
I told my friend Joanne how I was feeling the other day. She prayed for me. She is quite a prayer warrior; breaks into prayer in the middle of a sentence. You really have to keep up with her, listening intently. I love her so much, my friend, Joanne. Her voice flows out of its prayerful state as quickly and easily as it went into it. I wonder if she doesn't have some special communication skill with God. He surely keeps up with her better than I do. Anyway, as she was praying for me the other day, she stopped and explained to me that I needed to think differently about this ankle monitoring device. And then she explained, "God wants you to look at that ankle bracelet and consider it as His anointing on you. Every time you look at it, you remember that God has set you apart, you are His bride and this bracelet is your Crown of Glory. Wow! That touched me in a big way. I want that Crown of Glory now. I'm ready. Bring it on.
So, today may be day one of my 180 days to wear my Crown of Glory. You never know, we may become intimate, this device and I. Right now, I'm fearful of it this new appendage I am to receive. I fear its grotesque look, it's power, it's meaning, it's shame. I fear others noticing it. I fear setting off alarms at Wal-Mart. I'm being a bit paranoid, huh?
I read a promise from Isaiah last night. God's promises are so much bigger than my fears or this mechanical tracking box. God told me, through His word, that he calls me by name, bestows on me a title of honor, gives me strength, brings prosperity and hope. I believe God's word. So I need to take my faith and remind myself that God is much greater than this thing that will be strapped to my leg soon. Why would I give this 6" piece of plastic so much power over me anyway? What am I thinking? If I believe that God is, God was and God always will be ALL things to me, then why am I worrying. God spoke light into existence - what did this hunk of junk ever do? Just sit there.
So, I have now typed myself into a complete understanding that this "thing" does not change my belief in my Lord and Saviors power and the Holy Spirit will comfort me along the way, as he has been doing already. I have also decided that writing is therapeutic and I will continue sharing this journey with you, should you desire to read. I don't necessarily want to keep this journal for the purposes of sharing a grand ol' time with the grandkids, but then again, being aware of the persecution to come for all Christians may be something they will need to know someday. I will leave that to their wise parents.
The clock is ticking ever so close to Sonic's happy hour. I want to leave the house and run to Sonic, but what if he comes without warning. I'm frozen stiff. Take me back to Isaiah, God is calling me by name. Nothing else matters.
I tell you, there is Hope and Redemption in Jesus and above all else, Love...Gabby Gal
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